Squeegurs 3 - The Story of Dinosaur

The rocket-ship blasted off.... Squeegurs... Chinese Lady Landlord.... and Dinosaur........ A woman's voice kept ringing in Dinosaur's ears.... screaming for help.... but Dinosaur couldn't do anything.... he was flying away now... away from Earth.... away from his world... his home... his life.... His responsibilities were miles and miles away yet they were as clear as if they were siting next to him.... The woman..... That screaming.... The land.... The Land of Things..........

---- Dinosaur and the Land of Things -----

The land was like any other land of things... it was the home to many things.... This land was in danger. Dinosaur, being the only living dinosaur in the world had a secret identity to keep him away from the limelight... that was Captain Doctor Dinosaur, super secret agent who travels to unknown lands saving them, only to disappear and never be seen again. Dinosaur was your regular dinosaur millions of years ago until he fell into a magical salt mine that preserved his body until 1945. Dinosaur would wake up to find out he was in Germany in the midst of a war. To fit in Dinosaur had to learn German fluently in two days... wild Germans took him in as their own.... they raised him and trained him to be a chemical engineer for the Nazis. He didn't understand the full extent of this 'war' he was involved in... he only created bombs for the Nazis so he could fit in... so he could have a few friends to go and get strudel with. It was one night in Germany that he saw a beautiful woman, wearing torn clothes and hiding under a crawlspace coming out to get some fresh air. He bumped into her, assuring her he meant no harm... her fear of him hurt Dinosaur.... why was she so afraid of him? All he was was a dinosaur who stood and talked like a human, wearing a svastika and doctors outfit.... he didn't understand why she acted as if they were different... surely when he was raised by wild Germans he was taught that every citizen was equal.... why was she so scared then? Why were her clothed so ripped? Why was there an odd looking star on her clothes.......?

To Be Continued.....

Squeegurs Episode 2: Attack of the Flying Pork Clocks

Twas a beautiful day in the future that Squeegurs was confronted by Chinese Lady Landlord to pay the rent... Squeegurs didn't have the money. The world was sad. Chinese Lady yelled. Pink and yellow sausages fell from the ceiling. My mountain was born. Recked into a pile. Crying from the fountain. Death reigning close. Saddle back ponies on a sesame seed bun. In other words Squeegurs didn't have the money, so she made a deal with Chinese Lady Landlord.

Squeegurs, being a secret agent spy for the Mcdonalds corporation, had to make a trip to the moon in order to intercept a secret package from the martians. The job was a high-paying adventure filled with moon treasure and high-risk poker games. The idea was to bring Chinese Lady Landlord along so she could receive the money for her monthly rent... maybe even more. Chinese Lady Landlord agreed to come along, since her husband Russian Male Bartender was going with some friends to Las Vegas and she needed something to do. Her hobby of collecting pink and yellow shoes couldn't fill her appetite for adventure, as she already had all the pairs that were being sold on Ebay.

Suddenly Squeegurs friend Dinosaur burst into the apartment. He too was set to travel to the moon after returning from The Land of Things; the world Dinosaur tried to save... he was sweating... He slowly sat down on a chair by a television set and drank his magical Earl Grey Tea... Dinosaur had the result of his adventure to the Land of Things... Did Dinosaur save the world of things in time for the trip to the moon with Squeegurs?! Find out.... NEXT WEEK!!!!

Rare Food of the Moment: Ibérico!!!

Say hello to Jamón ibérico, also known as Iberico Ham. Since this type of pig is so rare and expensive, it's most likely your dining experience with this foodstuff will obtain around 25% un-iberico ham. Even in it's mixed form, it's still a very expensive ham, most of the time being sliced in to proscuitto-thick slices, as a single leg of the pig can set you back about $300.

The pig is so unique, mostly because of it's eating habits. It's mostly feed acorns and other organic feed, but it's feed strictly acorns nearing the time of it's slaughter. The best Iberico you can get, and believe me it's incredible, is when you get the one that was fed peaches instead of acorns, in the final moments of it's life.

It's awkward to talk about the slaughtering process of an animal you're about to consume... but this specific type of ham seems to bask in it's dietary glory. So go get some Iberico ham from your local... um... Iberico Ham dealership or something and tell me what you think!!!!

The Rise of Squeegurs

Every 1,000 years it's said that Zeus's personal computer obtains a virus due to copious amounts of bit torrent downloads. It started in 0 BC when the first hippie magician graced the earth... but now it's 3000 AD and porn has become an increasingly profitable form of entertainment and Zeus seems to have fallen victim to the recent rumors of certain nude celebrity photos giving him the largest virus a deity's computer has ever received... one that lasted an entire year.... until 3001, when a young creature known as Squeegurs was born unto this world.

As most children are born, Squeegurs was shot through the sky at 500 miles an hour into the ground (For those young blog readers out there: that's why babies have such soft bones). Nobody found Squeegurs that day... and when people don't find their gravity challenged babies there's only one place for them to go.... the local retirement home. There Squeegurs was raised by wild old people; quickly learning their ways of life. Our story starts in 3010... the nine year old Squeegurs, unaware of her true potential, is living by herself in a one bedroom apartment at the other side of Downtownsland. Squeegurs, having been fired from the local bar for being too young to serve drinks, has come short on her rent... Squeegurs' landlady; Chinese Lady Landlord, (In the future, people are named by their race and occupation to make things easier... unless you own a dry cleaning service....) has come to her apartment to collect the rent.... that Squeegurs doesn't have.....

To Be Continued.....